Behind the Scenes: The Real Me

Much-needed update

2009-05-17T11:26:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been a year since I last posted a blog.
It's time to update everyone on what's going on
in my hectic life.

I am still working at my aforementioned job (last
post) and loving it. I'm entering my junior year,
finally, and the panic is starting to set in. I realize
that I'm going to be out in the real world, alone,
very soon. I guess I better start planning.
I start my first ever summer class tomorrow morning.
Ah! I have a feeling that Honors Bio might kick me
in the face, but it seems like a lot of stuff I've learned
before.

I have changed a lot this year. I have been forced to grow
in ways I never thought i would, but it's good.
I've figured out what is truly important to me and what I
shouldn't stress about. I'm learning how to remember that
each day brings new opportunities and challenges. I'm
finding out what I truly want to do with my life, where I
want to end up, and that I may never reach those goals
because life often throws us around without our permission.
I now understand the importance of a few carefree days
now and then, and the healing power of friend-nights.

My best friends have been there through all the insane
events of this year. Chanel is back in Muncie (yay!); Erin
is being shipped to New York for an internship; Corrina is
in London (lucky!!) for a theatre internship, too. Mo is
still in Muntucky along with Hailey, Joyce (who travels
back and forth between Indy and here), along with all the
other friends in my life. I'm grateful that I have so many
amazing friends to lean on in times of heartache, growth,
and hardship. They also know how to party it up when
things are going well.

I hope this next school year teaches me new things about
myself, my friends, and my future. Guess I'll find out soon!
:D

Here's to a good summer, even better school year, and beautiful
future.

Maybe I'll Understand...

2008-04-12T01:28:00.000-07:00

When/why life is so crazy one day.
Until then, I'll speculate. ....
allow me to explain:

Last night was my first night at my
new job (yay!). Had loads of fun
during the hectic moments, those
are the moments I live for in life,
but I came home and passed out
by 11:30...........and work up at 3:45
to venture to campus to stand in line
and see Barack Obama. :D
Insane, yes.
I'm tired as can be. My eyes won't stop
watering, yet I know somehow I'm not
going to regret seeing a potential
president speak. It's informative. It's my
right to be an informed voter. It's democracy!

50 Years from now I know I'll look back on
this blog and realize these little moments
of doing big things is what makes life worth
living.
I'm excited.

End.<3

All this time coming...

2008-03-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

So, I finally called Pop today. It felt good to hear his
voice. I can't explain the rush of emotions that hit
me. It was like having a piece of you restored.
However this whole time I expected him to call me
and fix things. Grandma's the one who broke us
apart. He took her side. Why is it always this way
in life? But then it fell apart. As quickly as it came
together Grandma ruined it. She basically tore me
apart in ways that no one has...which is hard to do
because she has torn me apart once before and many
others have given me my fair share of scars. I don't
know where this is going to lead. All I know is that I
have to trust God to fix things. I can't deal with it. I'm
far too weak. I broke down during my short convo
with her so I know that I won't be able to work things
out when the worst of it hits. Oh well. Things always
work out in some way or other. Right?

Spring Break is officially over. No more relaxing and
wasting time. There are things to be finished, grades
to earn, and jobs to find. Here comes spring with all
its own issues. (Most of which I gladly welcome).
Guess we'll see where this season leads me, eh?

As the phrase goes, "Carry on, keep on dancing."
No matter what comes in my way I have to move through
life and pursue happiness and strive for excellence.
Strength is gained only when things are broken.

End.

LLL

2008-02-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

Love's Labour's Lost opens this Thursday!
(aka Valentine's Day.)
I'm pretty stoked.
The set, costumes, lights, and everything
is gorgeous. Honestly, it took my breath
away the first time I saw it all. I want to
live in Fraggle Rock. :D

Note on life: I'm busy, as usual, but it's almost
all over now. Only a couple of weeks of shows,
a couple more rehearsals, and then I'm free
again. Life won't be the same. I need something
to keep me busy/productive.
I need theatre.
Mucho.

And it's snowing. It's pretty, but cold. I don't
dig the wind and cold but the snow is delightful
to look at. Maybe I'll get to play in it for a few
minutes tomorrow. :D

So, acting class is really pushing me out of my
comfort zone. I don't like that. It scares me to
be open and completely honest with a class of
16 or so. Especially with some strangers.
I don't mean to be cruel, but I just don't open
my heart up to the world. I've done it in the past
and it hurts. So, this "I Should Have Said" monologue
might be kinda hard. I changed the topic. I've let
loose of all my thoughts and I'm being completely
honest. No pretty mask, no tape to hold it together.
It is what it is, and that's it.

And ironically, as I'm writing the last portion of
the blog (see above) Rufus Wainwright, "Nobody's
Off the Hook" comes on the radio. Gosh. I guess
it's a sign from God that he can't run from his
choice, past, and loss.

Maybe that means I'm not either though. I should
probably call him and tell him what I think of him.
His lies, stupidity, and cowardliness. I can't believe
he claims that he doesn't remember my number.
Whatever. It's been the same for 20 years. It's not
that easy to forget numbers. I remember my friends'
numbers from middle school, friends that I haven't
talked to in years. Maybe I lied; this project might be
hard, but I should be looking forward to it. I need it.
A catharsis could be useful right now.

(P.S. Thanks Corrina for being strong and going today.
You are def one strong lady, no matter what you might
say/think, and you deserve diamonds and the stars.
When you find the guy that will give you those, you'll know
he's the one. Never forget that.)

Well, there's loads of things on my mind but not enough
time to divulge them here.

End.

Update.

2008-01-20T19:33:00.000-08:00

Why not fill everyone in on life?
Life is going pretty well. I'm busy,
as usual, but I love what I'm doing.
I'm excited. There are so many
opportunities opening up and it's
amazing. :D

I hope things go well for the show.
So far the show is going well. It's
hilarious. :D People should come
and experience the wonderful
world of William (Shakespeare).
I'm excited! Only a few more weeks
until opening.

I've come to realize that life never
gives you a definite answer to anything.
You are left out on the outskirts of
what might be the answer but you just
have to leap and believe what you are
doing is right for you at that moment.
Life is all chance. It's insanity. It's
beautiful. I'm ready to jump in and
see where it takes me next.

I'm feeling so inspired right now that
I don't know what to do with myself.
I am not sure what has brought this
upon me. God. I want to go do something.

Quote of the moment:

"Fall in love or fall in hate.
Get inspired or be depressed.
Ace a test or flunk a class.
Make babies or make art.
Speak the truth or lie and cheat.
Dance on tables or sit in the corner.
Life is divine chaos. Embrace it.
Forgive yourself. Breathe.
And enjoy the ride..."
--Solbeam

This quote is amazing. Love it.
Apply it to your life in some way.
Or just think about it. You never
know where that thought might
lead you...

End.

Monologue...

2008-01-08T17:44:00.001-08:00

While writing this, I used many different instances, some of
mine and some of my friends', for inspiration. I'm sure more
will come in time. Here it goes.

Nick, I'm scared. Don't you see that's why I've pushed you
away? It's not because you are gay. I'm petrified of this
world, people and even myself. For the past two years I've
kept quiet about everything, never showing how sad, scared,
and upset I was. Everyone I've loved has died or left me; I've
been left alone and I don't know how to care anymore. I'm
scared I will hurt you or someone else. I think I might ruin
your life and mine. I wonder what will happen if I ruin
everything we have. I hate myself for it. I've forgotten how
to go into the world and see it with open eyes. Everything's
black and evil to me. I don't see NYC as a city of uniqueness,
but a pit of lies, disease, and poverty. Everywhere I look I see
billboards with skinny, happy models that could never
understand what it's like watching two of your best friends
waste away from AIDS, a mother who chose drugs over you,
and an ex-lover-turned psycho. Everyone's dying around us.
That's the world I see when I look outiside. I no longer see it
with artist's eyes. That's why I'm terrified. I'm scared of what
I've become. Nick, I love you.

Tell me what you think if you would like..and be brutally honest.

Thanks!
End.
♥

Every time we touch...

2008-01-05T21:32:00.001-08:00

So, I've had a pretty interesting break.
I've met new people (Bobby), done
things I told myself I'd never do (became
a gamer with Guitar Hero, sang Karaoke),
and decided to stay true to myself, not to
settle or hold back, and always stay
close to my friends and family. These are
the infamous New Year's resolutions that
I wanna stick with. :D

I'm really excited to see what this year has
in store for me. I have a feeling the play
is going to rock. :D (Opens Valentine's Day
so bring your date or love. :D) I hope this
year proves to be an amazing one. If you
are reading this, try to make it a great one.
If you have a great one, I will too. It's how
the world works? maybe?

Tomorrow marks the first day of rehearsals
after a glorious Christmas Break. Stay classy,
Muntucky. Stay classy. :D

♥
End.

Cheesecake does that to people

2007-12-28T07:26:00.001-08:00

So, me and the "gang" went to see I Am Legend last night
and it's slightly depressing. It reminded me of Human
Faustus just because it focuses on viral vectors and the
possibility to cure disease with a potentially dangerous
virus...however, as always, it backfires. People go crazy.
There is blood, death, and insanity. I would recommend
it if you are into the scientific kind of movies or suspense-
thrillers. Otherwise, steer clear of it. You'll only cry.
But if you decide to go, you are guaranteed to have fun
with the friends.

And I'm pretty excited right now. I just have a feeling that
things are going to work out this year. I don't know how I
can feel at ease...maybe it's my friends, or the weather,
or even music, but there is an easiness within me. I like it.
I really like where things are going. :D

I'm off to yet another great day. Just wanted everyone
to know that life is going very well at the present.

End.

La di da...

2007-12-20T17:56:00.000-08:00

I'm in love. As usual. This time I love the soulful
Jack Johnson. *sigh* After a fun-filled, fast-paced
day-o-shopping with the girls, I am relaxing in
the pjs with a cup of coffee..listening to my
new-found lover. I'm really happy with life right
now...it could always be better, as it could be worse.
So I think I'll stay content with the easiness of this
moment.

Oh thank God for music and shopping. :D

End.

Another year older...

2007-12-19T06:25:00.000-08:00

and this year's birthday rocked.
I had loads of fun with my friends.
There were only a few bumps in
the road...such as drama being
started...but you know, as bad as
it hurts, I have to get over it at
some point. So, my birthday took
the place of the idiotic drama. :D
Well, we filled the insane void with
some amazing Jonathan Larson
music: aka RENT and Tick Tick Boom.
Oh, and chinese and fazoli's.
And 19 is no different than 18. It's
just another birthday to look forward
to and once it arrives, realize that life
is full of dull birthdays and you are
lucky to have five fun ones after the
age of 14. :D I'm a bit jaded I guess.
Atleast there are four more amazing
birthdays to go. :D

♥
End.

Love Pt. Duex

2007-12-14T19:06:00.000-08:00

In response to the blog I posted earlier today, M. Night
Shyamalan and Tim Burton might be two of my
favorite directors. Watching both of the geniuses work
today reminded me just how amazing their movies are.
I hope my generation produces equally talented directors.

Just so the world knows.

End.

Love.

2007-12-14T06:11:00.000-08:00

Is it bad that I'm in a wierd situation
yet again with my grandparents? My
mom had to get Pop a birthday gift,
so now Gma and Pop are going to come
over on my birthday to deliver one for
me and maybe Mom. Gosh. I don't want
to deal with this. Ek.

Oh well.
I love being lazy once in a while....
like once every six months. So, I'm
camping out at home all day, watching
great movies, and relaxing. :D I live for
having movie days/nights. I'm listening
Amos Lee, the world is beautiful, and my
mom and I are going to be alone at
la casa until 4:00. That means tons of tea,
sweat pants, slippers, fleece blankies, and
a movie marathon. :D

♥ I love movies! ♥

It's gonna be a great day.

Maybe I can get some friends together at
someone's house and continue the
world's longest movie marathon.

I have a feeling i'll forget my petty little
problems in life today. I love when that
happens.

♥ End. ♥

Chapstick, Chapped Lips and Things Like Chemistry

2007-12-11T19:58:00.000-08:00

"And you promised me (that you believe)
in time I will defeat this
'Cause somewhere in me, there is strength"

Wow. This is potent stuff. Someone believes that
I can actually make it through things....that
little ol' me has some spark of strength deep down.
This is comforting. If God believes that, then who
am I to doubt? You know? Maybe I can make it
through anything. (With help though)

This song doesn't really apply to me right now but
as of a few months ago this song could narrate my
life. I realized that I am a person, with countless
weaknesses, and a few strengths. I can't stand on
my own. No one can.

And the moon is staring at me. I think I shall move
Mr. Moon to face another wall. O.o
(Corrina and I went halfsies on an auction last night
and I took the moon while she took the sun from
Three Cuckholds. :D)

And tonight was glorious. I love to just hang out with
the friends in a relaxed setting. Christy and the SMs
are amazing. Plus, I enjoy holiday parties. I'm really
happy to be where I am in my life. I wouldn't
change it for the world.

Oh, Sam is back from boot camp! <3 I've missed him
so much. A girl can only go a short time without her
original SM bud by her side before life kicks her in
the face. He came over today and I was speechless,
which is truly odd. He's amazing. I hope that life
treats him well. Sam, keep being good Sammy Sam. :D

"Chapstick, Chapped Lips And Things..." ha! I soooo
remember this song from like sophomore year. :D

Corrina totally informed me that there shall be a Theatre
Dept. Prom this year. Guess who got her beautiful
non-prom-dress today? Oh yesh, your favorite Minda.
Now for a date. hmph. Oh well, things will work out.
I'm optimistic.

Now for the perfect end to a perfect day: a good long
cuddling session with my new penguin blankie and a
good long slumber.

End.

Ignorance

2007-12-08T08:20:00.000-08:00

This poem got me to thinking this morning....

Philip Larkin - Ignorance

Strange to know nothing, never to be sure
Of what is true or right or real,
But forced to qualify or so I feel,
Or Well, it does seem so:
Someone must know.

Strange to be ignorant of the way things work:
Their skill at finding what they need,
Their sense of shape, and punctual spread of seed,
And willingness to change;
Yes, it is strange,

Even to wear such knowledge - for our flesh
Surrounds us with its own decisions -
And yet spend all our life on imprecisions,
That when we start to die
Have no idea why.

Everyone is ignorant in some way. Life is just
figuring out one thing at a time. We're all on
the same page, really.

Kinda good to know.

:D

End.

One of the brightest starts.

2007-12-07T03:25:00.000-08:00

It has snowed again. The sky has not merely spitted a few flakes here
and there, however. The sky opened up it's snow vault and threw up
on Muncie. So far, we've receieved 4 inches. There's more to come.
Snow. I know what I'm doing tonight. :D

SNOWANGELS!

or snowmen. If the snow packs well.

End.

Stop and sit in the snow.

2007-12-05T17:50:00.000-08:00

As the world knows, I despise the snow; however, Keaton made me think today.
While walking to my English class, I realized that no matter how I look at the world,
the natural wonders are truly beautiful. I looked around and gained a new appreciation
for the snow. Granted, I still don't love it, I appreciate it for being beautiful. I guess you
could say I stopped and looked at the snow. I've been in a great mood ever since.

So maybe people should walk slower in life...check out the snow, man!

Just making ya think. Or, rather, I'm thinking.

END.

The Last Tuesday

2007-12-04T04:30:00.000-08:00

Of class. Wow. I've come so far in the past few weeks.
I never realized just how fast time does fly in college.
I guess it's because we are all young.
I like it.
Kinda.

I'm in an exceptionally good mood. I'm relaxing to my
music, dressed warm, and ready to tackle the last
few days of class.

English went well yesterday. I learned about Japanese
theatre in Aesthetics, and I really am intrigued by it. My
secret santa (s.s.) had a huge cup of coffee delivered to
me during Aesthetics. Rehearsals start tonight. Everything is
fresh again. Life is good. I'm not tampering with it.

Thank God for the strength to finish the worst paper
in the history of man. I finally finished my family
biography paper last night. I've been wrestling with
some of the issues that exist in my family now. I can't
find the answers alone. I wish I could travel back in
time and save my parents all the heartache they
experienced. But, alas, I cannot. Their issues created
their personalities. I'm just realizing that I never want
to inflict pain on anyone I love. Intentionally, obviously.

That's why God is there: for our stupid moments.
:D

I'm off to get ready for Stage Management.

End.

And here we go again...another week.

2007-12-03T05:37:00.000-08:00

So, I have to give an oral presentation on Stage Management
today in English. :( I don't know how I'm feeling about this.
I love SM-ing but people in this class are not going to
understand it. There is so much that I've been through during
the past five years that I can't begin to explain the adrenaline
rush I get from running a show, fixing a problem during a
performance, and just being in the moment. Oh well. I'm going
to make the most of it. I'll have fun looking like an idiot.
It's what I do best.

Next week is the annual theatre department Holiday Party. :D
I'm pretty excited. Maybe it's because I'm naive, or maybe
because I just love the end of the first semester, but I'm truly
excited. I even hate the Christmas season but I'm looking forward
to a Christmas Party. ((I sound like an old person, getting excited
over a holiday party.)) Maybe I'll get in the holiday spirit .

I'm slightly sad that grandma isn't talking to me. She is blaming
it all on me, saying that she never told anyone that she was done
with me....however, I heard her say it herself. I just wish I could
tell her that I'm not a bad person, I didn't do a thing to her, heck,
I even helped her and Pop as much as I could....but yet I'm the one
that is shot down (along with my mom, dad, and brother). As
evil as it sounds, I don't miss her. Not yet. I've went longer without
speaking to her. I just want to know that she's happy without us.
The logic doesn't make sense but it's what I'm thinking.

It'll all work itself out. Life has a way of doing that.

End.

When I Look to the Sky

2007-12-02T07:51:00.000-08:00

Here's a short excerpt from one of my
favorite songs by Train. The song seems
to uplift my spirits when all else seems to
fail. It reminds me that I'm never alone and
if I keep believing, I can do anything. Enjoy!

Cause when I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
When I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way

Whether I'm up or down or in or out
or just plain overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything
that life may send me when I am hoping it won’t pass me by

When I feel like there is no one
that will ever know me
there you are to show me

So, this is where it begins.

2007-12-01T16:05:00.000-08:00

I finally gave into the craze and decided to start blogging
my life adventures (or lack thereof.)

I have quite a bit on my mind, as usual. I don't know how
it's possible to cram so much into a mind, but it's there...
and it doesn't want to leave me alone. This "stuff" seems
to evade my everyday life; from listening to music to talking
to someone about the moon, my mind reminds me that
there is something else creeping to my memory...right now
it's all nostalgic; well kinda. I'm reminiscing about the simple
life just a year ago. Granted life wasn't that easy a year ago,
I surely didn't think so much. College has challenged me
in infinite ways just by introducing me to astounding people.
The new ideas, conversations, and discussions I have taken
part in have really changed who I am, which isn't bad. I
often find myself wondering how I have grown in the past
year, how I am affecting other people's lives, and what
the meaning of it is. Why did God place me where I am today?
There's a reason. Maybe I'm not meant to know, but I
can still ponder, right? Oh well. I'm young. I'll figure it out
one day.

Starting Tuesday, my life will be complete once again. I am
beginning Love's Labour's Lost. :D I love Shakespeare, theatre,
interacting with people, and stage managing so all shall be
amazing. The week after that I'll be free from classes,
another year older, and ready for Christmas again. Life is
flying past me at full speed. I hope I can keep up.

I guess I'll have to see what happens next semester.
End.